26.4.18

And then I disappear for a month. Commitments are not my thing.

My friends always seem to be laughing at me, not with me. We got school photos today and Leanne and Tiana were laughing at my photo. Like usual.

I know I kind of smile weirdly. I have this jaw overbite that sticks out whenever I try to smile with my mouth closed. My grandma points it out sometimes too.

I gave up participating in class. It’s kind of ironic that I learn a lot more in my tutoring lessons than school itself. I should really consider dropping out and solely relying on tutoring. I find that I understand things a lot better if I ask my tutor as opposed to my teacher. It feels like a bad thing but honestly, I’m tired of worrying about class participation. Hell if I stay silent the whole year, as long as I get good marks, that’s all there is.

I also took the 16 personalities test and I got ISFP. I used to be an INFJ. But ISFP makes sense. It also explains my terrible commitment to things.

Learning stuff in school doesn’t really interest me that much anymore. Whenever a test comes up, if I’m really motivated, I’ll study for it. If not, I’ll wing it. And if I do bad, I shrug it off. It’s probably a bad thing but I really can’t seem to care anymore. I think it’s just that I’m not a naturally intelligent person. I guess I’m just trying to force myself to be one.

I talked to Mia and a few friends today. I used to miss talking to her. Now talking to her seems mindless and boring. Socialising has been kind of mindless and boring, honestly.

I don’t know. Everytime I try to socialise, I get close to people. And then, BOOM, I’m the laughing stock again. That one kid that everyone laughs at so they feel better about themselves because she’s not good at anything. I’m not really sure what I’m doing that causes this to happen over and over. I try to laugh and joke in an effort to socialise and suddenly everyones laughing at me. The other option is to stay silent, which I did for the whole of year 8, and it wasn’t fun.

So yeah. Maybe I’ll just tell everyone to fuck off next time because it stopped being funny a while ago. Maybe I’ll trust people a little better.

I just felt like writing this out of the blue. I’m not really feeling sad or anxious. Slightly bitter, maybe. This is just what I’m feeing right now. It’s a strange feeling.

I’ll connect back into the blogging community when I’m genuinely up to it. Right now, I’ll just try manage school. I hope everyone’s been well. Sorry for the boring post.

~Erin

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5.4.18

Funny how I’m suddenly feeling anxious about school when it’s currently school holidays. Ironic, even.

Growing up, I’m sure many can relate, but I was raised in a family where it was tradition and culture to ‘respect your elders’. I would always bow my head in greeting whenever there were family gatherings, and I would always be polite with them regardless of my personal views.

Because of that, I never grew close or “friendly” with any of my relatives. I never talked about random topics like I would with my friends, or joked and laughed with them. My conversations with them 90% of the time consisted of:

Relative: How are your grades going?

Me: Good, thank you.

This was never really a problem for me until I got to around year 8, where there was almost an expectation that teachers or adults would like you if you were friendly and sociable with them. Like friends basically.

For a while, that took me a really long time to wrap my head around, especially in school. I always saw school like a workplace; the teachers are the boss, and if you misbehave, that’s disrespecting your higher-ups and you’re not in that position of power to act that way.

I guess that’s why teachers never really liked me. Sure, my grades were pretty good (at my old school), but I was never friendly towards them. I only answered questions when they asked me and somehow I managed to build a reputation that I didn’t give two craps about my grades in class.

This also correlates to the one thing teachers ALWAYS tell me at parent teacher interviews. Schools usually tell you to save at least 10 minutes in between each interview with a teacher since the interview can vary in time frame, depending on how much your teacher needs to say about you.

My longest interview ever probably went to around 8 minutes, where my old school’s French teacher talked about herself for 5 minutes straight. But anyways, back to the point.

I can’t remember the last time a teacher has said something else to me other than:

Teacher: Your daughter is quiet, she should put her hand up more in class. She should ask more questions.

Nothing else. Not about my grades, attitude, just that. Half of the teachers also forget who I am considering I’m that one kid that sits to the side with a friend or two and says nothing unless required to. And I get where they’re coming from in that sense; if I care about my education, I’ll ask, right?

It took me a seriously long time to muster up the courage to start asking questions in class this year. All throughout my time at school, I’ve either repressed anything I don’t understand, self-learned (which I’m terrible at) or completely relied on tutoring (which was basically at institutions where they gave you work and left you to work it out yourself).

It’s seems petty but asking questions seemed like such a big deal to me. I didn’t understand how people naturally did it after class and formed a strong student-teacher relationship. It was strange seeing other students being so friendly with their teachers.

So then we get to this year (aka year 11), and after receiving the same advice for over 8 years, I finally decided to implement it. This was especially because I was taking two year 12 classes and I wanted to know what I was learning inside out. Good mindset, right? I guess you could say that. Except I didn’t really think of the personal consequences for me, considering a) I get extremely socially anxious around teachers, and b) I pretty much have never asked questions during class in my life (wow I’m dramatic).

That being said, I don’t ask questions in all my classes. No, no. I’m still a hermit in over half my classes, and both my English and Maths teachers have to look around and see who I am whenever they tick my name off the roll.

I’m mainly doing it my Biology class. I know I’ve already talked about this class probably over 3 times already, but it always comes back throwing anxiety in the face.

Since it’s one of my only year 12 classes, I’ve been trying to ask as many questions as I can, to understand the content as opposed to simply memorising it. Not only I’m asking my teacher, I’m asking online forums and my tutors too.

(Wow it took me this many words to get to my point, I sincerely apologise)

I don’t think it ever occurred to me until now how dumb or unrelated my questions could be. This morning, I got a few answers from my questions on an online forum, and one user said I could easily work out some of the questions myself.

They definitely didn’t state it in a rude way or anything and they weren’t wrong but that seeing that suddenly made me extremely anxious. It reminded me of all the times I felt dumb and stupid asking questions that my teacher didn’t even understand what I was asking, and all the times I asked questions that were unrelated to the school curriculum.

I just, I don’t know. I feel like there’s certain questions that are right to ask, and then my questions are either really dumb and obvious or they’re not related and I just feel really stupid? One of the questions I asked was why root cells don’t undergo photosynthesis because I was getting confused of what photosynthesis really was and how it was applicable to real life, and for some reason my brain told me roots were the trunks of trees? I don’t even know.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just getting way too frazzled and panicked. I guess Biology gets technical to the point where I’m wondering about the very basics and how anything I’m learning is related to anything. I’d always thought learning lots of content and memorisation was a strong point, but I guess not if I forget what roots and energy even are.

That aside, I guess the rest of my holidays have been alright. I haven’t really done much besides doing holiday homework (aka catching up on 4 chapters of Chem) and obsessing over Voltron. I was always a fan of Voltron but I never really became trapped in the fandom until recently (but not the discourse or drama side of the fandom), hence the amount of fanfics I’ve been reading has increased.

Anyways, I hope everyone’s been doing well and has had a great week, and I will see you all soon!

~Erin

27.3.18 | Hiatus Update

Well, hi. It’s me again: Erin (or Catherine).

I don’t know if anyone still remembers me since I’ve been gone for nearly a month, but oh well. Is my break even considered a hiatus? Who knows. My English is pretty rusty.

So, hi again. Woop. I guess it’s been a while. I hope you kind of remember me and you’ve been going well. It’s been an interesting ‘month’ to say the least. I’ve mostly been focusing on homework and study, but it’s only for so long that you can distract yourself.

Study itself has been alright, I guess. Recently, I had a revelation the other day in my Saturday Vietnamese school; I don’t know how to study at all. It’s pretty weird to say this when I’ve been studying for pretty much my whole life but I suppose my point is that I’ve been studying hard in comparison to studying smart. All this time, I’ve taken pages of notes but really, I’ve just been memorising content instead of really understanding it. Bio is a good example of that (aka the subject that I talked about the most on here).

I’ve been surprisingly holding up well recently after I stopped writing posts on here, distracting myself with studying, more studying and fanfics and it was a pretty nice run. While it lasted.

That ended today. Helena had tryouts for basketball and I was having lunch with Leanne, Tiana as well as two other friends (let’s call them Geri and Nina) who were particularly close to Leanne. Usually I enjoy talking to them; they’re generally easy people to talk to.

But I’m not really sure what happened. One moment Tiana and Leanne got up and fawned over Geri’s dog photos, next thing they were laughing and having a whole conversation on the other side of the table. On a normal day I would’ve perhaps joined in, but for some reason I just didn’t get up from my seat. Nina tried to include me into the conversation once or twice and that’s when I began feeling a lot worse.

It got to the point where Nina had to forcibly mention me in the conversation. Nina, who wasn’t even my close friend, had to remind my ‘close friends’ that I still existed.

I felt pretty humiliated. I’m not sure what it was, but suddenly I felt glued to my seat. There was almost this barrier that shut me in, away from all the others and I felt my heart beat several times faster.

I think my biggest fear is being left out; which basically revolves around social anxiety, or mine specifically. My biggest fear is being left out, having that social rejection because my anxiety is literally being scared that I’m a burden, or annoying, or I’m too boring, or that I’m talking too much, or I cannot talk to save my life. So to prevent myself from receiving that rejection firsthand, I shut myself out first. But with that shutting out, it amplifies how much they don’t need me.

It’s funny how something as mundane as being left out can trigger so many emotions; so much anxiety. And usually I don’t feel this way. But for some reason, today I felt like crying, like I needed to leave the room so I didn’t have a breakdown from panicking that I was indirectly socially rejected and that indeed, no one did need me.

Thankfully, Helena came back and called my name, and while trying to stop myself from crying and keeping my face completely blank, that was my chance to pretend that I suddenly wasn’t acting cold and rude to the others, and that I was just casually scrolling on my phone. I breathed a little easier but I still felt like crying.

The rest of the day went a lot better, honestly. English class was hilarious and me, Monique and Simone were taking buzzfeed quizzes and talking about weird dreams and horror movies. It’s been a while since I’ve laughed that much with people I’m not close with so I guess it was nice.

I wasn’t feeling 100% though. I don’t know. Even right now, what happened at lunchtime still bothers me. I’m just scared that they suspect something or notice my weird behaviour and call me rude or something. I don’t know.

I still feel really unsure with friendship groups and stuff. Honestly, everything that happened with Mia doesn’t really bother me much, as well as with all the guys she was associated with. I don’t really feel the need to make guy friends anymore. After all, it’s better to have a few solid close friends than to have a ton of flaky friends who make you question whether they give two craps about you.

I should probably stop now since this has gotten awfully long. Quick note, Voltron is looking really promising and I might even make a review post on season 5, just in case no one wants spoilers. (CAN’T WAIT FOR JUNE WHEEZE)

So yeah! That’s about it from me. I guess more has happened but this post will be probably 10,000 words long.

Anyways, I hope everyone has been feeling awesome and has had super awesome few weeks! I might get back into posting frequently for a brief time but who am I kidding, my commitment to consistency is very unreliable.

But really, in all honesty, I hope you all are feeling awesome. And if you haven’t, hopefully you can find something to smile about today. I’ll see you all (maybe) soon!

~Erin

4.3.18 | Processing Thoughts . . .

I rarely find the time to properly sit down and write a post now. It’s kind of strange; I want to talk about how I’m feeling, but at the same time I really don’t feel like it.

I find that I don’t feel like doing things a lot. I guess it can be called laziness. But even for replying to a text message or watching a TV show or an anime, I just cannot be bothered.

It pisses me off of course, I want to be dedicated to things, to finish things, all that and whatnot. But I feel so godamn lazy? Yet I’ve done nothing. Even things I usually like doing, like watching the new season of Voltron or reading a new manga, I find that I cannot be bothered.

And when I DO force myself to do it, I feel like I’m doing a job.

I don’t know why I’m like this. It could be because I’m really lazy, but even so, I feel really unmotivated to do the smallest things. It actually takes effort for me to take a shower everyday. Thankfully, my obsession with cleanliness and hygiene snaps back in play and forces me to get into the shower and clean myself for the sake of being clean.

I’ve mentioned in the past how I get pretty inactive on social media, or lose interest in things quickly. I don’t know why that’s the case, why I have such bad commitment to the most basic of things. Weirdly enough, the only good commitment I have is to people and talking to them face-to-face and yet that’s the one thing that terrifies me most.

Right now, there are a lot of things I need to do on here too. I need to make more posts, I want to read more of your and other people’s blogs, I want to talk about my OC’s. I really badly want to reply to all your kind comments on here, because truly it’s the only things that make me feel validated as a person. Yet somehow, I can’t bring myself to. It might have to do with the fact that all this is through a screen. Through technology.

Maybe I find it hard to truly connect because of this. This place is one of my only solaces and yet it doesn’t feel quite as real. I really don’t know. I say that a lot. I feel kind of empty for some reason. I haven’t said this in a while, but I feel lonely. But at the same time, I choose not to talk to people.

I just feel disconnected from everything.

I’ve always been embarrassed to say I’m lonely. But loneliness doesn’t have to be when you’re alone. I guess I never truly talked about loneliness properly. It’s always been ‘anxiety this’, and ‘anxiety that’. But partly the reason why my anxiety is so strong is that I want to avoid the feeling of loneliness.

This is going to sound ridiculous, but I’d rather surround myself with people and experience anxiety than to be alone and isolated and trapped in loneliness.

Okay. Here’s a story. Before I realised I had social anxiety, I experienced serious loneliness. It was almost suffocating, it felt like the world was empty and everything seemed muffled and out of reach. Some days I was so desperate to go outside and even be indirectly with human contact that I’d do extra hours of tutoring lessons or go anywhere outside with my parents, even to the petrol station or the grocery store at 10pm.

I don’t want to self-diagnose myself. I won’t say I was depressed. But god, it was the worst godamn feeling in the world and everything felt so hopeless. I can still remember those feelings as I write this up. Some days, as I mindlessly listen to music and stare out the window, I get the urge to cry for no reason. I don’t know why.

I did have friends at the time. But I felt so disconnected from them and from everything. I felt like I was trapped in a pitch black bubble. The daytime was tolerable, but nighttime was the worst. Because at least during the day I was in contact with people, but at night there was no one and I felt so hopeless.

It’s pretty hard describing it in words. It’s almost making me feel dead, haha.

Honestly, I’m not sure where I was going with this post. But yeah, I know I’m not very active. I have these random bursts of activity on here before I disappear altogether again. So just know that I appreciate you all, a lot. I promise I’ll reply to you all, read more blogs, be more active. I just don’t know how active. But I won’t abandon it completely is all.

And on a personal note @Irina, I definitely didn’t forget about you tagging me. I will definitely sit down and properly put the time and effort into the post, which is what it deserves.

I hope you all can forgive me for my slack dedication (i was going to say slackness but is that even a word). Instead of half-heartedly doing things, I want to put full dedication in the things I do. And thank you, you guys are awesome.

I hope everyone’s been going well, and that your 2018 has been great so far. Until then, I will see you soon.

~Erin

23.2.18 | Gratitude…?

Something’s kind of bothering me today. I’m not sure whether I’m overseeing things and just having first-world problems, but anyways.

So today was the birthday of a friend in my Chemistry class, who also happens to be an amazing drummer and pro-athlete. We’ll call her Hayley.

Hayley also happens to be really close with Mia and I knew her briefly prior to being friends with her in Chem class.

Anyways, so my friends and I went and sat with her group to celebrate her birthday, and it was nice. But I couldn’t help but be a little bothered.

Basically, what happened was last year, my friends gave my birthday presents at least a week late. Leanne gave mine early this year. Now, I normally wouldn’t be bothered with this kind of thing; there’s no need for any materialistic things that makes a birthday “good”.

I guess the thing is though was with my other 3 close friends, we all had an elaborate birthday with cards and cake and all our presents on the day. So in a way, I was kind of expecting that too.

It’s not even really the fact that they were late with their gifts, it’s as though they couldn’t be bothered. No one made anything sentimental and everyone treated my birthday as a nuisance, since at the time it was also when some people had tests or exams.

And I do get it, if they don’t have the time, that’s okay. But it’s just, their ATTITUDE towards the whole thing. It’s as though they treated it like a burden or something.

I thought I was overseeing it until I was talking with Helena. We were talking about people’s birthdays and I brought up how my birthday fit into “exam season”. I joked about how they gave my presents like 2 weeks late. I saw it as more so a meme than something to be salty over at the time.

Then Helena said, “You should be grateful we even got you presents.”

I got angry at that. Pretty angry, to be honest.

Look, I never yelled or was mad at them for giving my presents late. But to act as if my birthday was more of a burden than a few tests in YEAR 10-

I just wished they, I don’t know, hugged me and wished me a genuine happy birthday. Because it all felt half-hearted.

And it was ONLY year 10, we didn’t even have many tests and was nothing compared to year 11 and 12, yet they couldn’t be bothered to do a little something for me just like they did for each other?

I don’t know. I’m sounding conceited right now. I just feel annoyed that they put a ton of effort into each of their birthdays but couldn’t be bothered doing the same for me.

So seeing Hayley unwrap her presents and have all her friends sitting down wishing a happy birthday with her stings a little. Because I’m guessing this year they’ll forgot it’s my birthday.

I don’t know, maybe my friendship standards are too high. Maybe I expect too much. That makes me real conceited then.

Anyways, I hope you all have had an amazing day and had something that made you smile, and I will see you soon.

~Erin

Hi. Let me re-introduce myself.

My name is Erin. My real name is Catherine.

BOOM TOP 10 ANIME PLOT TWISTS. I hope no one IRL finds this post ever, let alone my blog.

So. This is a weird kind of introduction post where I properly tell you about myself. Haven’t done that in a while, I can tell you that. I’m just gonna do your basic outline when it comes to describing yourself on the good ol’ internet, with a few tweaks. Here goes nothing.


Name: Catherine

I would very much prefer if everyone call me Erin though, just because Erin is a name I’ve stuck to only for this blog. No one IRL or even online calls me Erin so I’d like to keep its significance on here.

Age: 16

Country of Origin (sounds like I’m a species or something): Australia

Favourite Colour: Pastel Blue

Favourite Childhood Animal: Flamingos (don’t ask)

Unpopular Opinion: I don’t like chocolate.

I can feel the gobsmacked outburts and gasps, PLEASE DON’T JUDGE ME ;-; For some reason, as a kid I never liked chocolate. At least now I can tolerate it but when I was little I couldn’t even eat it without throwing up.

Hobbies:

– Eating

– Watching Anime

– Reading Shounen Ai manga

– Shitposting on Twitter

– Singing songs from musicals

– Swimming

– Playing drums

– Calligraphy

(I’ve slowly gotten back into it)

And some other ones because I can’t remember anything about myself (oops).

Talents:

– Able to make any situation awkward

– Acting as the decoy/bait in a life or death scenario

– A+ coward

– I used to be able to climb poles

– Tearing paper with a ruler

– Staying silent for several days

Fun Facts:

1. I am terrified of rubber snakes.

I wrote this one a while back in a post I think. This fear basically originated from a childhood trauma (yes i said trauma) where my cousins used to have boxes of rubber snakes and they used to throw them at me because I was so scared of them. It got to the point where I locked myself in the bathroom and cried as they snuck a few snakes under the door. Great times 😀

2. I learnt how to use a knife and fork when I was 12.

Since I basically either used soup spoons, chopsticks or my hands, I didn’t really feel the need to learn how to use them until I was taught a little lesson on etiquette by my brother (my mum didn’t care lol).

3. My brother was the one that disciplined me not to swear and use the middle finger.

Up until around the age of 14, I pretty much didn’t swear and that was thanks to my brother.

Basically, for some weird reason, my dad points with his middle finger and I ended up learning to do the same. I also said ‘Oh my God’ and ‘shit’ a lot at the age of 6 which was a bit concerning.

But then out of all people, my older brother always yelled at me if I swore or stuck the middle finger up and since I was pretty scared of him at the time, I didn’t do it again.

4. I had an emotional attachment to hoops.

Okay, this one was a strange one. Ever since I was around 3, I always liked playing with hoops (particularly swinging them on my wrists). I used to ALWAYS carry around a striped yellow and purple hoop and throw it around in my backyard.

Then one day, when I was a 6 year old, minding my business as I played with my hoop in the backyard, my brother came outside and asked if he could play with it for a bit. I let him and he started throwing it around.

Now, my old house used to have this massive wooden wall thing that divided the back of my house from a massive warehouse/factory next door and there was always smoke coming out of the pipes.

Anywho, disaster striked when my brother accidentally threw the hoop too high and it went over the wooden wall into the factory to god-knows-where. Being emotionally attached to the round piece of plastic, I immediately burst into tears and start screaming and bawling.

For the next few weeks my mum and I tried finding the same replica of the old hoop but it was no where to be found. And I refused to buy any hoop that wasn’t exactly the same as the old one.

So that was the end of it.

THE END.

Jokes, apparently a while after we ended up going to another state and my mum found the same hoop in a department store and we brought it back home. Then everything was okay again. Funnily enough , I still have that hoop to this day.

5. My favourite animals are birds.

This is just a genuinely random fact. I just find birds SO CUTE, especially zebra finches. Peculiar name but search them up, they’re adorable. I used to own 8 of them as pets before we had to give them away. It was sad. 😦

6. I have a lot of OC’s (original characters).

Someday I will expand on this and maybe even write a story of my own. Just thought I’d write this as a heads up for any potential posts in the future. 😉


That’s all for now. I’m pretty sure I could’ve included a lot more but I can always make more of these posts. I hope that gives even the slightest bit of insight into who I am.

Anywho, hope you have all had an awesome day and I will see you soon!

~Erin

18.2.18 | “Beautiful”

I sometimes watch Youtube videos of makeup bloggers recreating aesthetic makeup looks. I decided to give that a go but I always end up giving up because either way, people will judge me for my lack of makeup skills so what’s the point in trying in the first place?

I remember looking in the mirror as I put on a layer of foundation and concealer, trying really hard to recreate a natural makeup look with the little experience I had. I thought “Gotta start somewhere, right?”.

I remember accidentally over-plucking my eyebrows since everyone at school had nice natural or drawn eyebrows and I was here feeling like a troll with overgrown eyebrows.

Sometimes I recall the days when Helena would just call me ugly with a hint of a judging and superior undertone. She wasn’t ‘joking’. She simply said what she thought but hid it under a joke to save her dignity, reputation and our ‘friendship’.

When I look back at old school photos, I remember the days my best friend used to call me hideous and ugly every time we had a casual clothes day, and I used to yell at my mum for making me wear ‘ugly’ clothes.

At my old high school, some of the ‘popular’ girls would give me that fake-ass smile and say ‘You’re so pretty!’ in a mocking voice, as their friends giggled and smirked arrogantly in the background.

I went to a wedding early last year where I put my best effort into trying to look pretty. No one acknowledged me; everyone said my cousin Anna had a physique of a model and was beautiful, and my brother was tall and western-looking with great bone structure. When I went to greet them, they gave me a once-over and their mouths just tilted downwards in distaste.

I guess my point is, I’m insecure about my appearance. Maybe it’s selfish of me to ask for compliments or even some form of consolidation that I am not hideous and that I’m worthy enough to stand next to people who are beautiful and pretty and popular. I guess in that case, I could have made up for this in personality right? Except that’s where social anxiety comes in.

I guess everytime I get motivated to dress up or wear makeup, or go out and exercise, everyone keeps looking down on me and judging either way. I just want a word of encouragement, at least? But no one cares. Aha.

So there’s kind of no point in bothering. Back I go to wearing no makeup and baggy clothes. I’m going to be called ugly either way.

I’m just sad that people care so much about looks. The media says “they don’t” but in reality, the very people around me judge someone by their appearance. My own cousin shames her brother for being underweight and badmouths anyone who isn’t fit or has an ideal body shape. So does Helena. So does a ton of people in my school. It shouldn’t matter, right?

But everyone is telling me that it does. So sometimes I just feel kind of shitty.

This is why I can’t take compliments. They feel so fake and I have no idea how to respond to them because its all just common courtesy. And how are you even supposed to believe them? When you know everyone else would retort with an answer that’s completely opposite?

There must be something I’m doing wrong, if not appearance-wise then surely personality wise. Because most people get praised for AT LEAST ONE THING. I’ve never been genuinely praised for anything.

10.2.18 | Pending Thoughts. . .

So, a couple of things have been nagging at my thoughts. And well, I never expected to be so anxious around teachers. Especially my Biology teacher.

OKAY, let me rewind a bit. It’s not so much anxiety; I’d say more awkwardness.

You know there’s always those few awesome and cool teachers who are chill with everyone but are actually good teachers and everyone likes them? Yeah, that’s my Biology teacher.

And he’s really nice, don’t get me wrong. Seriously, for year 12 Biology this year, he has 51 students in total (2 classes) and he told all of us to write an introduction about ourselves and send it to him. I assumed he would briefly reply like most teachers do since that’s pretty common.

But later that day I received his email back and he wrote around 3 paragraphs in reply, and I found out he did that for pretty much EVERYONE.

See, the amount of effort he puts in to get to know all his students; it shows he’s a genuine teacher that cares.

TEACHER GOALS AM I RIGHT???

But yeah, because of that I’m kind of intimidated by him. Despite Biology being my favourite subject right now BECAUSE of the fact that he is an A+ quality™ teacher and also because the content and my classmates are pretty cool, I want to get the most out of the classes and get a really high end-of-year score. But for some reason, I feel so awkward asking questions?

Of course, that partially branches from the fact that I struggle asking questions in general since I almost never asked questions to my teachers in my time at school and I was used to that. But also I think because he’s a really good teacher, I feel so awkward? I don’t know how else to explain it. Or maybe its something to do with the fact that he’s pretty much friends with everyone so I feel pressured to have to do the same.

I’ve never really had that friendly ‘connection’ with teachers. Most of the teachers I had usually don’t like me but tolerate me because I get decent marks or just don’t give a shit about their students, which is why I’m so used to self-learning. So to suddenly have a good teacher that’s really friendly with their students is really weird for me.

But yeah, I’ve been trying my best to think of at least a question after each lesson so I can get the most out of my classes, which isn’t TOO hard since I’m not a very fast learner.

I guess it’ll take a while to get used to asking. I need to start doing that more in tutoring lessons too.

Anywho, another thing that’s been bugging me is that the annual house Chorals event is coming up. Chorals is basically a house event (like sports houses where in my case, there’s 4) where each house puts up an epic stage production musical-thing that is entirely student run. Even the directors are students. So are the script-writers; everyone. It’s a really official and cool event.

I’ve been in a few acting productions where I was the minor characters but I mean, I’m pretty grateful that I even got a part because a lot of people audition and the cast is small.

Although, I’ve never been an actual role (with singing and everything), I’ve suddenly had a change of heart and decided to audition for the main role and one of the supporting characters.

In terms of acting, I know that I’m not ground-breakingly amazing but I think I don’t suck either. Same goes for singing, but the only problem with that is I have a really hard time singing in front of people so whereas I belt out songs from musicals at home, in auditions I sound like a dying rat.

Without a doubt, I’m terrified. I’ve always enjoyed acting/singing but people don’t generally peg me to be the type that performs and I get that. But there’s something so fun about acting a character with such different dynamics from who you are.

Take J.D from Heathers for example. He ends up breaking apart and becomes seemingly psychotic and his songs are just so fun to sing, I’m not sure why.

I haven’t had the best of auditions in the past and funnily enough, performing is terrifying for me but each time, I still keep coming back to act whenever auditions for stage productions come up. And I have been lucky most of the time so I guess I have nothing to lose, hey?

That’s it for now I guess. Oh, and I almost told Kiara (a friend that also has a blog) that I had a blog. That was a close one.

And hopefully I can get used to nice teachers and do well in my audition.

[internal anxious screaming]

I hope everyone and their loved ones have been doing well. Hopefully your day has been dandy and pleasant! I’ll see you all soon.

~Erin

(Fun Fact: I was born on the 11/11.)

8.2.18 | Year 11

Fun Fact: The featured image is one of my posts from my now-dead studyblr account on Tumblr.

Welp, hi again. I’ve been absent for like 2 weeks straight, please bare with me.

Funnily enough, I’ve been prioritising a lot of study recently due to last-minute changes and the inevitable pressures of year 11 leading on to year 12.

For those of you who are familiar with the VCE curriculum in Melbourne (yes I live in Melbourne BOOM PLOT TWIST), I was initially planning on only doing 1 [3/4] subject this year (basically a year 12 subject). But with my very concise planning and a little bit of behind the scenes action, I managed to slip into one other [3/4] class; Biology.

Basically what happened last year was if your GPA (overall average for year 10) wasn’t over 8, you were only allowed to do 1 [3/4] subject. And my GPA was 7.7, so I had to begrudgingly say goodbye to the prospect of doing a 2nd [3/4] subject which had to be Biology since I was already doing Vietnamese outside of school. Technically however, the rule says it only counts for subject INSIDE school so it doesn’t make sense not to let me do Biology.

However, the system is flawed and the subject change system doesn’t keep track of what [3/4] subjects you do OUTSIDE of school so I dodgily slipped into a [3/4] Biology class. And just with my luck, I happened to get the best teacher.

I am still forever grateful for getting an amazing teacher considering majority of my friends who are also doing Bio have terrible teachers who barely teach and don’t even have resources. I think that’s what acts as a motivational factor for me to do well.

One problem I have noticed with studying is that I struggle with asking questions. I do end up coming up with questions to ask, but by then the teacher moves on to the next section/topic and I feel awkward asking. But I feel like I should take advantage of the fact that I have a really good teacher and ask as many questions as I can. I just feel so awkward doing so though.

Sorry about all the study talk by the way, my life is pretty much dominated by studying considering my competitive school environment.

Here’s a funny story though; so during my first few classes of English, my teacher said that for homework everyone had to write an introduction for themselves and send it to her.

So for some reason, on that day I was feeling in a weirdly negative mood so I wrote down 3 paragraphs about myself which I thought was pretty funny and humorous. Fast-forward 3 days, I had to do the same thing for Biology homework so I opened the document up for reference and read it through. Only then did I realise how depressing and self-deprecating I sounded.

Fast-forward again to today and before class began, my teacher said to the class that she had read and graded 2 introductions and then she said that they were overly negative. She then went on a lecture about how the 2 people were calling themselves dumb and how we are not dumb because we were accepted into an academically selective school and that’s not how we should introduce ourselves.

I knew instantly one of the people was me and I couldn’t stop laughing, making a point not to look at her while she was lecturing the class. The only other thing I was wondering was who the other person was because BOI, we got a lot in common.

So yeah, that’s about it. Study, study, more study, SACs (which are like year 12 tests that count towards your end of year mark for the subject) and being friends with a ton of new people.

So for the committee I mentioned a while back where I was accepted as one of the editors and essentially one of the leaders, today we met up with the 2017 editors and they shared a Google Drive with the 2018 editors (5 of us) which included a document where they roasted all the editor applications. Thankfully they didn’t really say anything bad for mine but when I scrolled down to the bottom of the page, there was a list each editor’s top 5 picks.

Apparently there was a draw between one of the now-2018 editors and another girl over who didn’t get the last spot as editor. I feel pretty bad that the other girl ended up being rejected since her writing had a lot of potential.

Anyways, that’s about all. I guess the studying has distracted me from all the anxiety I was originally having and life is pretty good so far, socially. I might be speaking too soon but I hope it stays that way.

And that’s all from me. I’m not gonna be too active on here since I do want to prioritise studying (contrary to what I wrote on my previous posts, sorry) and sleep. For some reason school is really tiring now and I find myself unconciously sleeping early. I’ll try update as much as I can too.

I hope everyone’s been feeling well too! Wishing you an awesome, fun and happy week to all of you and I will see you soon.

~ Erin

25.1.18

I kind of give up on titles at this point because there’s no real defining factor of my day. Also, even though it’s the 26th, let’s pretend this post was for the 25th. But anyways.

About that guy I asked advice for, I asked a person who I don’t necessarily consider to be a close friend but was one of the only people IRL I felt comfortable talking about mental health, etc. We’ll call her Sam. She analysed the whole situation and told me I was in a toxic relationship with a person who was emotionally manipulating me. So without further ado, I cut him off, deleted my account then proceeded to delete the app itself.

I went to the movies with Sam today to see I, Tonya, a real-life story and a movie about this famous USA figure skater who was the first woman (person? woman? I can’t remember) to successfully do a triple axel but was caught up in an incident where her rival’s knee was broken. Needless to say, Margot’s (the actor playing Tonya) acting was amazing and scarily realistic.

School starts in less than a week so right now its a desperate scramble to finish off all the homework I left until the last minute (not a real surprise for your average student). Especially Chemistry, god, I don’t understand a thing.

Also, now that I’m a school committee leader (I still don’t know how), I have to be doing A LOT of socialising. Writing this down makes me sound like a hermit, geez. Hermits are great though. Anyways, I’m gonna need to talk to the other leaders, all the people in the committee, everything. Leanne’s also one of the other leaders so that’s somewhat reassuring.

Timetables were released a few days ago and to see that I had a free period in place of my first period nearly everyday except for Tuesday made me ecstatic because I GET TO SLEEP YAY! Also, I don’t have to travel to school alone at the same time as everyone and get socially anxious so thats a bonus.

In all serious, I don’t know what to expect for this school year. The idea of trying to weasel my way back into Mia and Kiara’s overly massive friendship group makes me sick. Sick about the idea of feeling left out and unwanted. Because it’s been a while since I’ve been close with them, it’s like this wall has come between me and the group and I really don’t want to risk going through anxiety to cross it.

Asides from that group, I’m not sure what to expect of my friendship with the group I stayed with on camp. It’s been a month but I still can’t see myself comfortably joking around with them like before. It’s like I don’t feel comfortable with anyone.

I admit I get friend-jealous easily, but in a way where I get jealous of both people because they easily befriend one another where it takes me a lot of difficulty to befriend someone. I don’t know, I guess it’s just that desire to have a lot of friends. It’ll take a bit to suppress it.

One thing will definitely be different however, and that’s going to the counsellors once again. This time I won’t have to sacrifice class time and go in my free periods which will be good. That way no one will ask where I was when I go back to class because I don’t like telling people I went to counsellors. People can be a bit nosey.

And that’s all for now! I’ll go to sleep and then go into study-mode for 5 hours straight tomorrow which I’m not really looking forward to. But yeah, I hope everyone’s being doing well. When school start’s, I will probably post more but we’ll see.

Until then, tạm biệt.

[bye in Vietnamese :)]

~Erin

Fun Fact: I’m deathly terrified of rubber snakes.